Hey gang, remember me? Rob Schneider? You know, that guy from every Adam Sandler movie? Turn on your tv right now, go to Comedy Central. More than likely it will be playing “The Hot Chick”. Yep, that’s me.
Anyway, a lot of my die hard fans (they call themselves “schnei-hards”) will have noticed that I’m not in Adam Sandler’s new movie Grown Ups 2 despite the fact that I appear desperate to play in any movie projects that comes my way. Literally anything. Well, sorry to disappoint but I could not, in good conscience, appear in Grown Ups 2.
You see, just like Jim Carrey, said about Kickass 2, I feel that my movie roles mean more than simply playing a character on the screen for belly laughs. I have a responsibility as an influencer of pop culture to use my power for good. After Newtown, the Boston bombing, and Paula Deen, I couldn’t be a part of Grown Ups 2.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Adam Sandler has shaped Grown Ups 2 into just the kind of awful, unfunny, scatological groan fest that I would – up until recently – kill to be attached to. Heck, I’ll probably plop down the ten bucks to go see it if somebody lets me borrow ten bucks (I’ll get you back, I promise). I had a blast making the first one and watching it do really well despite how objectively terrible it was. I can’t wait for Grown Ups 2 to do the same. In fact, if it does do well and thereby assures Adam Sandler’s career continues despite all logic, I’m totally game to do another project with him, especially if it pays me ten dollars or more.
As an actor of some note, I have managed to walk the fine line between celebrity and privacy. My wife and I just recently welcomed a child into our life and TMZ didn’t even ask for exclusive rights to the first pictures of the baby. But sometimes it’s important to use your larger star power as a vehicle for awareness. In this case, I plead with viewers to think of the crimes against humanity that are occuring daily in Syria while watching Nick Schwardson poop his pants in a movie you paid money to see. We can learn from this. Also, I’m sure Adam Sandler has like a charity or something so when you buy a ticket for this movie you’re probably giving money to charity or something. But again, I am NOT in this movie because I’m against genocide and even though one has nothing to do with the other, I think I owe it to the world to ask, “what if it does?”
Until then though, I think it’s better to take my absence from the movie as a symbolic protest against mass shootings, or terrorism, or racism, or maybe something else. I think we owe that to the victims of our nation’s insane gun culture, or maybe to the victims of sexism, or something else entirely. Look, I’m not here to tell you WHAT you take my absence from Grown Ups 2 to mean, that’s up to you. It’s a free country. But just know, while you’re watching that movie and wondering how a movie with that many poop jokes got made, that I turned it down.
Oh, and immunization shots cause autism.